Dr Farquar's Case History

March 17, 2004

Dr Farquar on Christmas

Christmas

What do parents in the Southern Hemisphere tell their children about Santa Claus? After all there’s no snow in most places and it’s too warm for that red suit. (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr Farquar’s comments: Geordie women from the North East of England go to nightclubs in sub zero temperatures but that doesn’t stop them enjoying themselves when they can’t afford a warm coat. It works both ways. True, in some very hot countries Santa misses out on purpose, so that concerts like Live Aid can be organized instead.

On artificial Christmas Trees why do they always make the centre trunk green? Wouldn’t it be more realistic if it was brown? (Contributed by Ryoga)

Dr Farquar’s comments: I suppose you would think us all white supremacists if it was a Silver birch? Frankly, racist tree trunk issues can be avoided by having two trees. One brown, and one white. I do. All my friends can see I have nothing to hide with my pair of trunks.

Does Santa worry about his fat intake over Christmas like everyone else? (Contributed by Tinman)

Dr Farquar’s comments: Evidently. Last year the ungrateful bastard only ate one of my ginger nuts.

Should we mail our presents early so the post office can lose them in time for next Christmas? (Contributed by J. Carson)

Dr Farquar’s comments: Please don’t criticise the humble Postman when he has to deal with many times his usual workload. You don’t moan if your junkmail is lost in the mail do you? If you want him to deliver mail more quickly, set the next door neighbours dog on him.

Why does the Christmas season always come when the shops are at their busiest? (Contributed by Jim Poserina)

Dr Farquar’s comments: It seems more busy than it is, because of more shop lifters, store detectives and mystery shoppers this time. Then think of all the decoys that make up the other numbers? Also, it’s a fact that people are living longer and that’s why old greedy people fill most queues at shops.

Is it true that winter’s not really over until you can’t vacuum up any more Christmas tree needles from your carpet? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr Farquar’s comments: Almost. Wait until New Year when all the needles that have fallen down the back of the telly inevitably catch fire and then your Christmas really is over.

How does Santa’s huge body fit through those itsy-bitsy chimneys? (Contributed by Angela Trana)

Dr Farquar’s comments: It’s not rocket science. You may have to get it swept first. If Santa still finds it a bit of a squeeze he may borrow your toilet before hand and make a little more room. Check for clues Xmas morning. It’s hard enough flying around the world with Easy Jet when it’s engaged most of the time, imagine touching cloth in a bumpy old sleigh.

Why does Santa get down the chimney when the fire is going? (Contributed by Angela Trana)

Dr Farquar’s comments: Perhaps he prefers his nuts roasted?

Did Hallmark invent the Christmas Card? (Contributed by MailBits.com)

Dr Farquar’s comments: No. Hallmark reproductions invented the first series of 1960 to 1980 “Top of the Pops’ ‘pretend songs’ on albums that resembled the original artists, about as convincingly as a Dick Van Dyke’s cockney accent. The only reason I bought the whole set was because of the nubile semi-naked young bints on the record sleeves that left me with hard feelings and a laundry dilemma.

Why is it that your Christmas lights work just fine when you test them before you string them up but they quit the moment you step back to admire your work? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr Farquar’s comments: Yes, pesky Xmas lights. You end up fondling them all night like bloody prayers beads. Here’s a few tips! Adorn your tree with solar powered lights. Stick your favourite luminous condoms on the lawn during the day. Knot them one end as normal and poke them onto your tree of an evening. Presto. Environmentally friendly tree decks! Think of the energy you will save not having to use them in the normal way. They double as Christmas stockings too. Just put something very tiny in them as I do.

What exactly are ‘reindeer games’ anyway? (Contributed by The Vent AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr Farquar’s comments: Well, why do you think Rudolph has a red nose? I think some of his games went too far and Shlitzen, Bitchen, Bosher and the others got fed up with Rude Rudolph, sticking his nose in, when he was bringing up the rear. Now he flies at the front these days.

Why don’t department stores hire men to gift wrap? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr Farquar’s comments: Absolutely. In fact, even after Xmas, why not get gay men to gift wrap all your rubbish so that dustmen take it away.

There is a church in Ontario Canada that is the third church on its site because the first two burned down. With that in mind should they really be giving everyone candles during the Christmas Eve services? (Contributed by Laurel)

Dr Farquar’s comments: This is a worthy Health and Safety issue. When no snow is about always use a foam extinguisher in future while worshipping to add realism. What did Moses do when faced with a ‘burning bush’? He probably used some soothing Greek yoghurt and put it on the gentiles.

Who brings Santa his Christmas gifts? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr Farquar’s comments: God… bringing him his omni presents.

How come when department stores put their Christmas decorations out in July, they have ‘elegant foresight’, but when I leave my Christmas lights up until April, my neighbours just think I’m tacky? (Contributed by Alisa Meadows)

Dr Farquar’s comments: Jesus is the light of the world. You don’t need to be seen from space to celebrate Christmas. Over the top decorations is just attention seeking. Shops that have the brightest lights draw most of us like moths to a flame. Save energy. Use static electricity by rubbing your Grandparents together in their fusty man made fibres. If they ignite too readily it’s probably because they are wearing flares and a blazer. If they sport nylon underwear, wear asbestos gloves in case they ‘arc out’ on the stove. This phenomenon is friction caused by the Generation Gap.

If Good King Wenceslas ordered a pizza, would it be deep pan, crisp and even? (Contributed by Terry Galan)

Dr Farquar’s comments: Yes, it would have the same consistency, especially, when the Venison is already off and instead of snow, it looks like rain, dear.

Why is it that the ugliest Christmas decorations always go up first and come down last? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr Farquar’s comments: We would all love to hang ugly old Glitter forever but then the kids will probably still have to spend Xmas with friends.

Do you think Santa Claus believes in himself? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr Farquar’s comments: In theory. Otherwise how does he exist?

If a wise woman had come to the Nativity, she would have brought nappies, wouldn’t she? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)

Dr Farquar’s comments: This is true. But she didn’t come, and so there you are. Our Lord shat everywhere. The Three wise men probably stomped in all the blessed infants poop anyway, because they were too busy looking up at a bloody star at the time. No wonder they carried myrrh and frankincense with them, barns are right smelly places anyway, without baby humans shitting everywhere as well.

Why is it that all the trouble always happens close to Christmas? (Contributed by Lady S.)

Dr Farquar’s comments: That’s why when you ask people if they had a ‘good Christmas’ they say one word. “Quiet.” Why can’t they say, “Shite” and mean what they say?

When someone says to you, “If I don’t see you by then, have a nice Christmas”. Does that also mean if they DO see you by then, you should have a lousy Christmas? (Contributed by Mike Gray)

Dr Farquar’s comments: Come on. Xmas is great. What other chance do you get to stick a tree up a fairy’s arse and shit like a lion for a week?

My wife and I are working opposite shifts over Christmas so we are going to be ‘passing ships’. (Fooge)

Dr Farquar says: That’s constipation for you.

Apparently the Christmas tree is nothing to do with the birth of Christ and more to do with a co-incidental Roman pagan festival of re-birth and fertility. If I stick myself on top of one can I quit the IVF treatment? (Fooge)

Dr F. I’ve heard of ‘’sprucing yourself up for Xmas’ but that’s dickrickulous.

I hate those smug ‘round robin’ letters. You never get one saying negative things. It’s all about what that family has achieved and how wonderful the family is. How can I discourage this bragging from others? After all Xmas is about being thoughtful to others. Not nice to get a glowing report on the same year when you have had a right shitty one, is it? (By Fooge)

Dr F: Don’t be ungrateful. Send it back with a note saying that you plan to drop in for a mince pie with a friend. Find somebody with wet leprosy and make them sit on the sofa. It will take more than Mr Muscle to get that bugger out of the upholstery when you have left. This may help your friends realise that not everybody is as fortunate as them and will be less self-satisfied next year.

I am on a budget this Christmas as I have just enrolled on a hypnotherapy class. I thought I might send presents by telepathy to save money. What do you think? (Fooge)

Dr F: It’s the thought that counts.

I found a Yule log in my fridge. Where did it come from exactly? (Fooge)

Dr F: All these tasty Christmas associated symbols stem from Roman paganism and not Jesus. A special log was chosen on the eve of Yule, for the holiday fire. A small piece from last year’s log is used to light the fire. The lighting of the fire was a festive family event, to hurry the return of the sun. Charred pieces from the fire would be kept to protect the house through the coming year. The woods most often sought for the Yule log were birch, oak willow or holly. Today, the Yule log is sometimes represented as a log cake instead. Or a small log is decorated with candles. The burning of the Yule log is a well-known tradition, but it’s not often done outside of the Pagan community anymore. But in answer to your question probably Sainsbury’s as Tesco don’t sell them anymore.

Why did the three wise men bring Myrrh and Frankenstein? Not that wise were they? Surely they could have brought something more useful like something for nappy rash or a steriliser? (Fooge)

Dr F: Yes, what are they like? Mind you we are led to believe that Mary conceived without any penetrative sex and then without warning three other dicks turn up.

I hate Pantos. They get more tacky smutty and are more to do with obscure ‘hasbean’ celebrities dressing up as the opposite sex than preserving the essence of age-old children stories and tradition. Guess where you can stick this year’s pantomime? (Fooge)

Dr F: Behind you.

Why do people give a receipt with presents at Xmas? Surely you are as well to give cash? It’s like saying…” I’ve bought you this present because I don’t know anything about you and your taste and I couldn’t be bothered to find out…and I also couldn’t be bothered anyway because I woke up with some lint in my navel and my canary has a migraine and because it might rain in Nigeria. Anyway I have always thought of you as a bit of tit anyway.” (Fooge)

Dr F: Give everybody the same and avoid favouritism. Make sure it is genderless too. So how about one of those dolls called ‘Sexy Sadie Never says No.’

If Turkey is so wonderful then why do we only have it only once a year and tastes like exploded office carpet? (Fooge)

Dr F: Coming off Class ‘A’ drugs is called ‘Cold Turkey’ for this reason. So stuff it with heroin this year and watch Gramps little face when there’s none left on Boxing Day.

Why Brussels sprouts? They are lethal depth charges. Last year I bent down to tie my shoelaces and machine gunned a whole bus queue. (Fooge)

Dr F: You can avoid flatulence this Xmas. Eat in the feckin’ shed.

Last year we had stuffing from a Jamie Oliver recipe. Should he be allowed to deal in weapons of mass destruction? (Fooge)

Dr F: Yes. ‘Paxo’ is best. It does not contain so much gelignite but will still shift the Boulder dam and liberate whole countries. In future lay the table knife fork and stomach pump.

Why is Santa not allowed to have kids sit on his lap these days? After all he does come from Lapland. Nicholas Shame

Dr Farquar says: It’s got nothing to do with CRB disclosures. If you were a child who had to queue for two hours just to be dragged into a tomb made of MDF and cotton wool using enough electricity to power Las Vegas and ultimately come face to face with a man in a scary disguise who stunk of cigarettes and whisky, what would you do? And then to add insult to injury you have to pay three quid for a present originally bought from the pound shop.

The other 364 days of the year you are told never to speak to strangers and now you have your Mother yanking you, kicking and screaming, to accept a gift off one and shouting in your ear “Now look …. stop being scared….it’s only Santa…. we’ve already talked about this… you little shit!!”

I resent you stereotyping Santa as a drunk deviant loser. I give up my time every year to give kids a treat at Xmas when I could be out with my mates getting pissed and leering at schoolgirls. You try and sit there all day putting up with the little bastards knocking your lensless glasses off or snapping the elastic on your beard. Just once I would like the brats to own parents that can work the flash on a camera too! Ho! Ho! Feckin’ Ho! Tristan Shout

Dr F: I know. I’ve done my share of charity work at Xmas. I draw the line when working with children, and if they step over it I just whack them. Last Xmas I worked at the Kiddie Xmas fair at the Grunty Fen local primary school. I sold Christmas cake at £6.66 and when nobody was looking, I stuck the plate on top of it and sold it as ‘Upside down cake’ for £9.99.

This year I am dressing as Santa and have a sign outside my Grotto for kids saying “Dream On”

These are my duties as a kind Father Christmas:

If a kid was particularly naughty all year I would leave a reindeer’s head in their bed Xmas morning.

Here is the stock letter I send to all children who sweetly write to me

Dear Kid,

Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. By the way, milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Now back to business. That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.

Santa

P.S. Your parents smoke pot when you have gone to bed. Then, when they fall asleep, I steal your Mother’s underwear and piss in your Dads slippers.

What’s 18″ long and hangs in front of an arsehole? A stethoscope! Merry Xmas Doctor! Anne Gina

Dr F: Thank you for that. I’d like to offer you the compliments of the season too. Plus a prescription for your new revolutionary cutting edge medication to guarantee you a reversal in your symptoms of chest pain, a Xmas hamper with wine and spirits from all over the world and a voucher for a free Caribbean cruise. Then I thought … why should I?

Santa must be a woman. Men can’t pack a bag and would never wear red velvet and are only interested in stockings of another sort! Bess Yet

Dr F: Outrageous! If Santa was a woman, all Panto performers would have no need to cross-dress. I can’t imagine a lady Father Christmas. Who has heard of a woman with a bulging sack?

Xmas would be torture.Instead of leaving milk and cookies you would have to leave a salad as Santa’s bum might look too big in this chimney. The sleigh would have a speeding ticket on it, or left parked in front of the emergency services entrance. If PMT means Xmas is cancelled, then that’s because you are a pig and just don’t understand.

On the upside, the song “I saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus” would mean top quality girlie one-on-one. It strikes me that if Santa were gay it might be more appropriate. You just have to change the words to a few Xmas songs like..”We Three Queens” etc. Or even.. “You better come out, you better not cry, You better not pout, I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is wearing a frock. He’s making the switch, He’s leaving his wife, He’s gonna come out, to start a new life. Santa Claus is wearing lippy. A secret he’s been keeping, It’s made him awful tense. He knows it will be better now, Santa Clause is wearing a garter. So, you better come out, You better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is wearing a crotchless corset with lacey cups .

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