Dr Farquar's Case History

October 26, 2003

Dr Farquar on Conversation Starters

Conversation Starters

The longest word in the English language is “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis” or coal miner’s lung disease. Hank Acheef

Dr Farquar says: This is really, a really, really, silly idea, really. If you have this lung disease, how are you going to say a word this long without becoming breathless? So, don’t waste my time coming for treatment if you can’t explain what’s wrong with you without gasping your last.

An Ostrich egg takes four hours to hard boil. Egbert Nawbacon

Dr F: Well, I’ll be bound.

The hundred billionth Crayola crayon ever produced was Perriwinkle Blue. Madge Jenta

Dr F: Look at teacosy-headed scruffy patchy faced ‘Badly Drawn boy’ he is living proof that improper use of wax crayons can make you look and sing like you are having a disappointing toilet experience and still double for ‘Compo’ out of ‘Last of the Summer Wine.’

Pigs can run a mile in 7 ½ minutes. Carey Mabaggs

Dr F: Sir. I must disagree. One chased me right across Pymore Black Fen and then Stuntney acres and right down to the canal which took a full eight minutes, if you don’t mind. It was a good job I had already smoked the spliff before he arrested me.

Did you know that, if a statue of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes . Seb Story

Dr F: This is, of course, a monumental conversation starter. I suppose you want to be put up on a pedestal yourself for that one? The only statue with legs in the air of any interest to me is the one Dr Firkin lets me borrow. Her name is “Sexy Susie Never says ‘No'” until I shagged her up against the radiator in the linen cupboard and she melted. Those were the days. If Firkin wants her back he will have buy a bicycle repair kit first.

The shortest word in the English language to contain the letters A,B,C,D,E, and F is: ‘Feedback’ . Sharon Summ

Dr F: Yawn. You can always tell when one of the consultants has already attended a NHS funded ‘Living the Dream’ training course.

During history at my school it emerged that Cortez was the main ‘Conquistador’ with just a handful of allies who eventually finished off all the Aztecs. Hugh Ghampton

Dr F: No, that was Wiggins. The little bugger nicked my Curly Wurly, a bag of Black Jacks and the last of my Barratts sherbet dab. Mind you, back in the late sixties I used to like that Topic bar advert jingle thingy slogan jobbie. “What’s got hazelnut in every bite? ………Squirrelshit!”.

Gibraltar is the only place in Europe were you can find wild monkeys. Sylvia Back

Dr F: You obviously didn’t see this year’s Brit awards.

In one day an average person will take about 18,000 steps. Jay Walker

Dr F: That’s a vicious lie. I’m not the average person and why walk anywhere when you can get somebody else to do it? If you don’t stop spreading such wild rumours further steps will be taken.

I am a partially formed hermaphrodite. I went to a sex shop and asked the lady there to play with my knob for a fiver. Imagine my surprise when she refused and just called security? Could I sue under the Trades Description Act? Wanda Why

Dr F: I heard you were a woman of many parts and that’s why you have lady lumps and a little todger, doubling your chances of a date on a Saturday night. Don’t feel bad. I went into a cake shop and asked a woman to have a look at her buns and the same happened to me. What a cheek! It was her who gave me the spotted dick in the first place.

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