Dr Farquar's Case History

September 26, 2003

Dr Farquar on Tradesmen


I’m a bone idle construction worker who drinks tea and scratches my arse all day. Is it just a coincidence that something that starts with a ‘T’ and ends with a ‘T’ but is full of ‘T’ is a teapot? Mike Upper

Dr Farquar says: How original. But if you take away my first letter, then my second and put the other letters to one side what does that make me? That’s right. A Postman.

I’m a cat burglar. Don’t take the piss out of us self employed. You don’t know the difference between a Jemmy and a Jumbo jet. Nick Owt

Dr F: I do, Sir. For instance. It’s a well known fact that a Jemmy cannot cross the Atlantic without re-fueling. Cat burglar you say? Make an appointment for me to remove your ovaries. If you have feline tendencies again the last thing you want is cages in your garden full of budgies.

I’m a lesbian, but with nipples big enough to peel a Satsuma and I’m thinking about becoming a hod carrier and learning how to wolf whistle. Imagine my surprise when I tried wolf-whistling and, instead, a red faced office girl scurried past giggling because of a shortage of wolves in Chingford. How should I dress on a cold day? Thora Chilblain

Dr F: Very quickly, I should think.

I’m a sexually inexperienced and very naïve scaffolder. You said you would like to have me round. The trouble is I’m thin so I guess it’s not an option. Hugo First

Dr F: What we have here is a failure to communicate. Like the other day when I asked you if I had four apples in one hand and five pears in the other what would I have? You said ‘Big hands’. I also said ‘have you a head for heights?’ your answer was ‘No, just for my hat’. Perhaps you should reconsider this as a career move as I think if I see you again, I’m the one who will have to climb walls.

I’m an ordinary but very frustrated carpenter because I can’t seem to get much wood these days. On the brighter side, at least I won’t get splinters in my fingers. Jack Plane

Dr F: Yes, it must go against the grain that you are in such lumber. Why not try our new health plan? Her name is Cindy Bagg, our new GUM nurse and all you have to do is pay me a drink for her lip-service. Like dog food you will be moist and meaty in no time. Cindy also plays the trumpet and is full of the milk of human kindness most of the time.

I’m a “Glazing Maintenance Technician”. You’ve guessed it. A person who comes around your house to rearrange the dirt on double glazing. I fell off my ladder stepping back to admire my work. If I limp in to see when I get seated would you mind holding my crutch? Seymour Physio

Dr F: The pleasure’s all mine and then it’s your turn. I have a ‘window’ next Thursday but just because you were well behaved at school don’t be afraid to ‘go into the corners’ in my surgery. Portholes are for ships and I don’t want to have to start a smear campaign against you.

Am a Pollish distman. Ize talkig a lot of rebbish here. Whenz I isked yoose how to yoose a riktal thermameters you tolds meezed tooz ‘Sticksie its inze mize ass.” I puts itz in my ass and haff gen bland azza bat. Shirley itz for der butom? You shit Decktor! Mebbe ize shooda gin to spicksavvers.” Cy Clops

Dr F: Great Caesar Tits! You’re a grandmother brought over from Krakow to enjoy the benefits of our diversity and better tasting vodka. Bathe your eyes in a warm solution of Brobat. It might smart a bit at first but it will teach you Braille as you can’t be bothered to learn impeccable English. Try out this easy reading technique by practicing on teenagers. Simply run your fingers over their acne and learn several other languages too.

I’m a dustman and work in Soho. I called at a Chinese restaurant asking “Where’s your bin?” the proprietor answered “I’ve been to the toilet” . then, I said impatiently “No where’s your wheelie bin?” The chef said “Ok, I was having a wank.” Do I get a prize? Jess Binnit .

Dr F: I believe you. I wish you would throw yourself into the job more along with tired geriatric jokes like that one.

I am a Liverpudlian builder and so honest and transparent that I have a see-thru Tupperware lunch box. Anyone who expects me to build their extension in this weather is having a laugh and knows I will guarantee to turn up when I can be bothered to get some tax on the van or after the pubs shut. Because they dey doo doo dat doh don’t dey? Scouse Gett

Dr F: You earn as much as our plastic surgeon. Both of you spend all day picking your nose. I have a sign on my door. I shoot every third tradesmen…. and the second just left.

I’m a midwife. The toughest trade there is and I’m the best. Pregnant mothers will drop everything to have me deliver their baby as long as I have the address and a big enough bike basket . Tasha Rope

Dr F: Which reminds me. The delivery room door is a bit stiff. So until maintenance sort it out I have put a sign on there saying “Push Push Push.”



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