Dr Farquar's Case History

August 26, 2003

Dr Farquar on Experiments


How refreshing! I just read one of your categories and it didn’t contain the word ‘Feck’! Dana Street

Dr Farquar says: Excuse me madam, but are you accusing me of being totally feckless? Just for that I will make up for my lack of expletives. Err… Pubicbottyjam Rubberbuttocks and Bent Willies to you.. Dearie.

This is how to create artificial lightning. First, you attach a blob of plasticine (to use as a handle) firmly to the inside of a small thin baking dish. Holding the plasticine as an ‘earth,’ place the tin lightly onto a plastic sheet. Now rub it vigorously. Hold a silver coin just a centimetre away and presto an arc or tiny lightning bolt will appear before your very eyes. Boris Rigid

Dr F: What else did you get for Christmas? If Mrs F. caught me rubbing anything vigorously I can assure you sparks would fly anyway. She doesn’t use plasticine on baking trays either. Her scones always taste like that.

My girlfriend and I are experimenting with sex but she has turned into a right Barbie. She has started wearing pink a lot. Her hair has turned to a flaxen rope and her knickers are welded on. What to do? Jake Maselloff

Dr F: How odd. Mind, you are a bit of a ‘Ken’ yourself. We went out for a drink and you got so rat-arsed that when I got you home I had to bend your legs to get you into bed.

I’m experimenting by pretending I have dementia to my family and friends. I forget to turn the gas off. I forget to buy a round. I put kippers in my slippers. I dance the waltz with photographs and piss myself in public. I pat babies’ heads and pick up litter bins and wear them on my head and then eat the contents for breakfast. This way I get everything done for me and I’m only fourteen. Beat that! Gaynor Point

Dr F: You don’t fool me, you little wretch. I can confirm indeed that you have the very early onset of Alzheimer’s. Only the other day you attended my clinic and told me that you been given detention because you had forgotten your P.E kit. Your Mother often complains that you also forget to:

Wash behind your ears

Clean your room

Do your homework

Eat your greens

Mind your manners

Kiss Granny goodbye on a Sunday

Pick your feet up

Take your library book back

Turn off the computer

Brush your teeth

Be nice to your sister

Take your muddy shoes off outside

Use a hanky and not your sleeve

Comb your hair

Find your other sock

Knock before you enter your parent’s bedroom

Put your bike in the garage

Put your roller blades back under the stairs

Put your football under the bed

Lift the loo seat up

Stop fiddling in your knickers

Wipe your bottom with paper instead of the sofa.

Wash your hands afterwards instead of smelling your fingers.

To apologise to your probation officer for kicking in shop windows.

That babysitting for Mr and Mrs Windthrop is not an excuse to use their house to shag your friends and liquidise the family pet and share syringes.

I think you will find this is all proof positive. You would forget your own head if it wasn’t the result of nasty volleyball accident.

I hate this nanny state we live in. Everywhere you look there are old women trying to knit you something, eating a pickled egg and trying to steal your empty yoghurt pots just because they ‘might come in handy one day.’ Pearl One

Dr F: Outside my surgery, people there are living longer than they used to. I blame CCTV or Clever Camera Taking Video. I also blame the highly successful and slick Sixties Double agents Napoleon Solo and his weedy mate Illya Gherkin and that baboon-faced bloke called ‘Uncle’.

Illya was, once again, Polish, more handsome, and probably smarter than most, but still a cut-throat. Plus, he looked miserable and mumbled a lot. Napoleon Solo was just a mealy mouthed cunt who thought he was God’s gift. If it wasn’t for their constant use of tiny cameras, years ahead of their time, we wouldn’t have the bloody things following me in and out of ‘Threshers’.

They even had one behind the serving desk staring at me, as the Slovakian lady gave me the wrong change. Now that is what I call ‘Counter Espionage’.

You ape. Stop being derogatory about our EU friends. They could do your job for thruppence an hour and work all the hours, probably delivering a better service, you third rate Third Reich Nazi bastard. Don’t you know the war’s over and it’s very politically incorrect to discriminate as a man of medicine? You Filthy Swinehundt Dumkoff Fenland inbred pigdog Britisher. Heinz Meanzbeanz

Dr F: Oh dear. I’m sorry to offend. How terribly inappropriate. May I point out though just two things.

One. My father fought two wars to get bananas into this country and my Mother brought up 29 children on tripe and cowheels inside a doodlebug and made our clothes out of burst blimps while her sons fought in trenches during a turf war at the local allotment. From 1939 to 1944 she cared for more than 13,000 allies in her scullery. Lead soldiers fully painted could be sold per dozen at 1/9d. How else could we afford an Anderson shelter?

Not once did she complain about having to shag American soldiers up against pillboxes just to get stockings and fags.

Two. Your own ‘evacuation’ starts here and now. So you better hold onto something, chopper, and bite on this bit of chair.



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