Dr Farquar's Case History

June 24, 2003

Dr Farquar on Teeth


If the plural of tooth is teeth why isn’t the plural of booth ‘beeth’? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F: The same reason we don’t call huge herds of mindless animals falling into rivers ‘Wildeboose.’

If we lose our eye-teeth can we still see? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F: People use the phrase as a mild oath. For example: “I would give my eye-teeth to be able to find my dentures etc” ‘Eye-teeth’ are the ‘canines’ for tearing and biting upper and lower. For example the hardest thing in my body is tooth enamel apart from Mr Wiggles of course. It’s like bloody blue steel right now as it happens.

Is it true that George Washington had teeth made of wood as myth tells us? If so why did he need to chop down a whole cherry tree to make them? (Dylis Crankshaft)

Dr F: By the hairs on my solitary but curious underarm wart. This is a common misnomer. Let me indulge you.

Washington was a great American Hero who was known for his frugality. He was so tight that when he took a silver dollar out of his pocket in broad daylight he squinted at himself.

In truth he had his teeth made from a Hippopotamus tooth and as far back as the 1800’s during the American Revolution having your choppers made by hunting a Hippo was obviously cheaper than going to the dentist. Strange as it seems, this ugly land/lake animal is a great human threat and more mean to man than any other species.

Apart from the ‘Hippogator’ of course!

This is a cross between the two species of Hippo and Alligator. Mating occurred under controlled conditions August 2006. Or so experts at the time thought. While the two creatures were enjoying copulation inside our history books making the pages covered in a foamy gloop and generally unreadable, a revolutionary experiment was already taking place conducted under laboratory conditions using gamma rays, live yoghurt, a twin-tub washing machine and heavy theatre make-up.

Genetic scientists in Mount Veronica University, Massofchewsetts, became bored with what seemed the longest and most boring shag performed by ugly overweight mammals and so slipped down the pub for a swift one before the vinegar strokes.

Disaster struck when Colin, a local pallet mender was left alone on his work experience in the lab.

Needless to say, unsupervised the apprentice proved to be a Grade A windowlickin’ muppet with not the feckin’ brains he was born with and manifesting the mental agility of a tit caught in an electric hedge trimmer.

The breeding experiment went horribly wrong when Colin washed the coffee cups in the amphibian enclosure pool mistaking the washing up liquid for ‘ChromolubeslushiumXYZNumber 2′. A DNA cultured amino acid that sparked the arrival of the ‘Hippogator’ or from the Latin “Scofficus Gluteous Maximus” meaning “I’m gonna eat your scrawny ass cos I ain’t even got one.”

So there you are… Hippo one end and Gator the other. Voted the most bad tempered animal existing today.

Hang on! If this creature existed it would have teeth both ends and be unable to take a shit? (Dylis Crankshaft)

Dr F: Exactly! That is why it’s the most bad-tempered animal on the planet. This dangerous mutant with teeth both ends is literally “two-faced” and so will shortly be incarcerated in boxes called ‘Hippocrates’ and flown to the Galapagos Islands to live with their prehistoric cousins Monitor lizards to be more closely monitored.

Is it true sharks have up to 40 sets of teeth in their lifetime? (Greg Googlesussed)

Dr F: Yes, and that’s why you see so many sold in ‘Seaworld’ as trinkets. Sharks only hunt and eat when they are not ‘gappy’ and have to go into hiding until they get a new set to stop dolphins looking so smug and Killer whales taking the piss out of them.

Why do people dread dentists? Why not chat up the dentist too? You could both end up ‘on the pull’. (Mavis Vimto)

Dr Farquar: Compared to the pain I have experienced with my ‘Rockford Files,’ a dentist is like a half-hearted wank while reading the lingerie section of a Grattan catalogue.

Once I took a leak in the forest and as I stood with my surging ‘golden braid’ a bear-trap clamped tightly on my quilted maggot. It was the second worst pain I have ever known as I tried to scramble free.

So what was your first worst pain then? (Mavis Vimto)

Dr F: Finding a large tree at the end of the chain.



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