Dr Farquar's Case History

January 23, 2003

Dr Farquar on Pigs

Pigs

“Bringing home the Bacon” refers to one or other of the family putting food on the table. I’m a Vegan so what am I going to bring home that sounds phonetically poetic?..” the nucutlet carrot cous cous soyabake rice radish?” (Fanny Funnel)

Dr Farquar: The ‘bring home the bacon’ expression essentially stems from the fact that bacon was the valuable and staple meat provision of common people hundreds of years ago, and so was an obvious metaphor for a living wage or the provision of basic sustenance. Peasants and poor town-dwelling folk in olden times regarded other meats as simply beyond their means, other than for special occasions if at all. Bacon was a staple food not just because of availability and cost but also because it could be stored for several weeks, or most likely hung up somewhere, out of the dog’s reach.

I brought a sheep home once and told Mrs Farquar. “This is the pig I have been seeing romantically when you are unavailable.” She said “That’s a sheep not a pig!” I replied, “I was talking to the sheep.”

“Save your Bacon” refers to old expressions of from 11th to 19th century, largely due to the fact that in the mid-to-late middle ages, bacon was for common country people the only meat affordably available, which caused it and associated terms (hog, pig, swine) to be used to describe ordinary country folk by certain writers and members of the aristocracy. Norman lords called Saxon people ‘hogs’. A ‘chaw-bacon’ (a‘bacon chewer’ or, as we would call a ‘carrot cruncher’ today) was a derogatory term for a farm labourer or country bumpkin. Thank God for Google eh? (Shawn Delier)

Dr F: Impressive. I bet your Mum’s proud of you. Today this phrase is used when somebody volunteers to cover up your indiscretions so as not to be found out. Then taking full credit for interfering in other peoples lives and usually overdramatising a simple error of your own and then boasting about ‘saving your bacon’ in the process. They may be called ‘Chaw Bacons’ in those days but I can assure you they are called ‘Nosey cunts’ in modern times. Here is a tip if you want to make them feel forever in your debt because of their meddling. It’s time to ‘Baste your bacon’, meant to strike or scourge someone, (bacon being from the outside of a side of pork that would naturally be imagined to be the outer-body part of a pig – or person – to receive a blow) In simple jargon it means to deliver a knuckle sandwich in place of a BLT.

I am a vulnerable and rather plain language student from East Germany. I enjoyed yesterday evening at the Grunty Fen Cromwellian night. However the pig’s head with an apple stuffed in its mouth was a very sad image for me. I didn’t know Alan Sugar was going to be there.(Tessie Titsafrizin)

Dr F: Strange that! It didn’t seem to stop you letting him pop his big red rosy apple into your gob (or ‘Mr Stumpy’ as he calls it) just before the real jousting started.

When you said you needed a Guinea pig and I could only manage to buy a small hamster for you at a £1, I had no idea you were going to conduct major cardiac surgery on me instead. I only came to your surgery to peel the vegetables but you operated on me to replace my heart with that of a pig’s, due to an unlikely ‘without trial’ medical breakthrough technique involving your promise of a free cup of tea at the local abattoir. Now I have a pot belly, grunt a lot, like to eat the school canteen leftovers from a bucket, mud-wrestle, and squeal when I’m having sex. (Bunty Leadbetter)

Dr F: No change there then.

Why is the word pig used to insult humans as greedy or obese, or to describe somebody who is antisocial in some way. Or sometimes it’s used to refer to people in a derogatory way. For example: A drunken offensive man or somebody who is arrogant and sexually available. I can’t bear to call anybody a pig. It’s so uncivilised, and does not share the views of pigs in general. Can’t I just call you Daddy like the other trail of homeless small children you have sired up and down the village? (Dusty Schoolbag)

Dr F: Jesus Cheesy Crispbreads! Have you not heard of the saying ‘little children should be seen and not heard’? Well, that’s what cupboards under stairs and industrial ducktape were invented for. A child’s place is in the wrong and in a home run by the local authority. Trouble is that social services have to wait for your care order to be processed. Meanwhile, to be more informal, just call me ‘Sir’ or ‘Your Highness’. Your foster parents will look after you as soon as they finish their prison terms, and let’s face it, Tracy Beaker seems to have a great time, doesn’t she? After all Jacqueline Wilson and J.K. Rowling seem to have far more serious mental health issues than you.

I would like to look after you but I have Grunty Fen Golf club membership and an ongoing bar-tab to support. I promise I will visit you as often as I can. Just click on ‘Friends Re-united’ to find me or wait until you are old enough to get sectioned and we can chat about who will get to spend your direct payments over a biscuit or two. Buy custard creams I like these best, don’t you? If not don’t worry, you can owe me a pint.

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