Dr Farquar's Case History

December 23, 2002

Dr Farquar on Sex and the Law

Sex and the Law
(A selection of legally binding clauses from around the world)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.

Dr Farquar says: No need to be Koi then. That’s because tropical fish are sexy. They are totally shameless and fuck in the aquariums in front of onlookers. It must be like living in a goldfish bowl. Sadly not many girls on the till at our Grunty Fen garden centre Aquatic section bare their breasts. I prefer to look at their water features instead.

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

Dr F: Choosy bastards these Lebanese. In Wales they have a name for it. Its called a wrap around sweater.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Dr F: How does he perform the ‘internal’ with a litter picker? What happens if a crack appears in the mirror?

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

Dr F: I know parts of Romford that view women the same. Mind you the girls there are fussy. The men have to be two and a half feet tall, with a ten inch tongue and manage to breathe through their ears.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

Dr F: Mr Ping at the Grunty Fen Lotus Garden Restaurant had better watch his back. His wife gave me a sixty nine last night.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

Dr F: Well I’ll be dashed. I didn’t know you could still get wood when you were dead? These days I’m very much alive but when I wake up in the morning everything is stiff apart from that.

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

Dr F: That’s quite natural. Mrs Smith and her Mother often share the same bedroom. Mostly I have to shout over to my wife. “Now darling this is the last time your mother and I are going to show you how to play the pink clarinet.”

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

Dr F: Well I just feckin’ said you can. Read the above.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold on the premises.”

Dr F: That’s because in Maryland there are already enough cunts.

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: “After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh.”
Dr F: well you may as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb as the saying goes. Another saying goes. “Mary had a little lamb that ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its arse and turned its wool to nylon.”



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