Dr Farquar's Case History

September 23, 2002

Dr Farquar on Community


As community nurse I have found out you are not a qualified gynaecologist but do it on the side which must be very awkward for your female patients. You can have too many fingers in too many pies you know? (Fooge)

Dr Farquar comments: You don’t beat about the bush do you?

Why don’t gypsies fly more often? They wear lucky charms thus creating a safer airborne environment. (Fooge)

Dr F: They also have a lucky rabbit foot on their key fob. Not very lucky for the rabbit though was it?

I have just been allowed out into the community again. Why did the judge acquit me but not let me keep all the money? (Fooge)

Dr F: How unfair. Get your own back by inviting a traffic warden to a Turkish bath and stealing his uniform then running around putting tickets on all the parked cars in the Oncology Unit car park.

It says on the news that your microwave is great for sanitising sponges for the washing up. What about old Brillo pads? (Fooge)

Dr F: Only if you missed Guy Fawkes this year. A microwave is only good for one thing. To warm your pilecream.

In your Sexual Harassment section you referred to me as Porthole Pete. Just wait until next time I do your windows. I won’t change the water from the last house. (Fooge)

Dr F: Ok. Don’t lose your rag.

I’m starting this year badly. I sneezed over the dashboard of my car and remembered I’d forgotten to buy greengages at Tesco. How about that? (Fooge)

Dr F: You can only ‘clear the desk of your life’ if people haven’t already had their hand in your drawers first. Try some mayonnaise on your lettuce instead.

Why don’t Time travellers live for the moment. (Fooge)

Dr F: Here is a time travel experiment. Feel like time has stood still by using a whole pack of drill bits to find out you had the power tool on reverse spin.

I hate getting a pen and paper to write myself a reminder and forgetting what it was I was supposed to write in the first place. Can I borrow your Dictaphone?

Dr F: As long as you have a big enough keypad and cut your fingernails first.

Those curry flavoured condoms smart a bit. (Fooge)

Dr F: Have you got it on inside out?

You told me there is a serial number on condoms and I have yet to see one? Why? (Fooge)

Dr F: You obviously can’t roll it on as far as me.

Why is Martin Kemp selling sofas? Mind you he is always perfectly groomed. (Fooge)

Dr F: He would hardly be unkempt would he?



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