Dr Farquar's Case History

August 19, 2002

Dr Farquar’s Defying Description

Defying Description

I saw an ad “Let our computer find a name for your new baby?” Surely that sort of thing is up to the parents? (Fooge)

Dr Farquar says: Isn’t it strange how parents choose names for their kids that sound like a skin disorder and never think about what their child’s name will sound like when read from the school register? I preferred to be called anything else but ‘Tarquin’ at school. So I became know as ‘absent’. The teacher even referred to me as the Messiah on several occasions. I was in the nativity play and I dressed as the arse-end of Joseph’s cow. The girl in front jumped out of the costume squealing “Farquar had his hand up my dress again Sir!”

To which he replied . “Jesus Christ… not you again.”

I saw another ad that was asking for a “Static Security Guard.” Whats going to happen? (Fooge)

Dr F: Simple answer to this. Shoplifters will be discouraged when they know that the guard is not going to chase them taking all the fun out of kleptomania.

This is why ASBOS are so effective. They allow kids to sniff glue and kick in car doors and get a certificate for it.

What about this for a job? “Care support worker” to aid wheelchair bound woman.’ Must be able to put on elastic stockings’. (Fooge)

Dr F: People in wheelchairs have needs too. My Uncle Horatio is paralysed from the waist down after a near fatal accident. He was at a Grunty Fen disco watching a girl hanging from a cage who successfully balanced five CDS through the centre hole from each nipple. She was going for six and the CDs on her left boob caught the DJ’s laser, dazzling my uncle temporarily. He stepped backward, half blinded, and spilled his lager over the bouncer’s shoe. The bouncer proceeded to polish the lager off his ‘patents’ by playing a tune on Uncle Horatio’s ribs.

He still goes to lap dancing joints. On the plus side he is already sitting down meaning he doesn’t have to search for a vacant chair at the Gentlemen club. On the down side, though, he only has a bit of knotted string between his legs to lasso her with.

Whats worse than mistaking sex toys for your electric toothbrush and bringing your nose to orgasm? (Fooge)

Dr F: How about travelling on the tube proudly wearing a suit you have lost weight to get into and then sneezing into a handkerchief from the top pocket dropping half eaten wedding cake and a packet of three into a passengers lap.

I am scared of the aging process. I have tried that anti-aging cream with Aloe Vera and collagen but still my foreskin looks like a bulldogs neck. (Fooge)

Dr F: Being afraid of growing old in years to come is all part of growing up. Worried if it will be your vision, hearing, speech or legs to go first? When this happens go to the pub in a depressed state to enable you to do all these things inside three hours.

Friendly fire? When soldiers kill their own. What is ‘unfriendly’ fire then? (Fooge)

Dr F: Borrowing their tank without asking?

I hate strict librarians who, when asking you to pay a huge fine on a paperback, then decide to throw the book at you.(Fooge)

Dr F: Start a new chapter in your life. Imagine what it must feel like for her. Having to give you the silent treatment and stamping your ticket for you. I went out with a seemingly shy librarian once. You know the sort – Hornrims, tartan and tight buns. One thing led to another. She made so much racket, the dustbins ended up all over the cul-de-sac. Shes turned over a new leaf now.

I hate websites that seduce you to ‘click-on’ downloads that cause computer bugs. (Fooge)

Dr F: It’s a mouse trap.

What about busy comic midwifes that sometimes have a difficult delivery? (Fooge)

Dr F: I was present at the very difficult birth of my second child, who started his own orphanage three weeks before he was born. He was drug induced and hasn’t packed them in since. 12 hours of trying to pass the time in between two minute contradictions. In the end, forceps had to be used. I had dropped my McVities chocolate biscuit in my malted milk. They also came in handy to pluck an apple off a nearby tree branch outside the window. It was no picnic I can tell you.

What about charismatic dyslexic wizards that are crap at spelling but can still charm the pants off you? (Fooge)

Dr F: Thats warlocks.

What about those hooveshaped metal things on the side of row boats? (Fooge)

Dr F: That’s rowlocks.

What’s that silicon stuff they inject into your mouth to give you a pout like a bagful of jellybabies? (Fooge)

Dr F: That’s Botox.

Whats the term for traffic jams across the region? (Fooge)

Dr F: That’s gridlocks.

Whose that bint that got buggered about with three bears? (Fooge)

Dr F: That’s Goldilocks.

What’s those spots you get in third world countries? (Fooge)

Dr F: That’s Smallpox.

What is that flower that propagates and grows readily in a prepared drilled bed in April and comes up about an inch apart in fine soil and produces large blooms and vigorous growth in various colours as long as you continue to nurture and feed it with liquid manure and spray with a weak pesticide at intervals to destroy unwanted and injurious slugs and other parasites? (Fooge)

Dr F: That’s Hollyhocks.

What is it called when you slip gaily through fields of golden hay with your lover laughing and getting sexually aroused? (Fooge)

Dr F: That’s frolics.

Who is that squeaky Northern girl in all the supermarket ads with Prunella Scales and also starred in ‘Little Voice’ with Michael Caine? (Fooge)

Dr F: That’s Horricks.

What are those tender spherical objects that reside inside a small fleshy bag between my legs that look like chicken skin and never seem to hang level? (Fooge)

Dr F: That’s testicles.

More Defying Description

Why are next day breathlyser tests always such a headache for drink drivers? (Fooge)

Dr Farquar says: Tell me about it. I had to piss myself to avoid submitting a urine sample to traffic police. But I failed the breathtest and so shat myself into the bargain.

What about the Swiss? They consider it rude to greet with a handshake wearing gloves, but have fallout bunkers under their houses. Making tea visits all a bit tense anyway. (Fooge)

Dr F: I had a Swiss Army knife once. The horsehoove stone remover was crap so I shoved it up its arse to see if the bottle opener worked.

Why do all my relatives have to sleep with their sister with a rifle under a pillow to get on the ‘Jerry Springer Show’? (Fooge)

Dr F: I had to keep chickens and get all my teeth punched out while drinking diesel to get on the ‘Trisha’ Show.

What about small exotic birds that are smuggled into this country by cruel mail order companies? (Fooge)

Dr F: On the upside they are the only type to smile while they are giving you a blow job and fold your trousers properly.

Why don’t your body bags have a zip on the inside just in case you give a wrong diagnosis? (Fooge)

Dr F: Because its cheaper for me to do an autopsy anyway.

Why do people write self help books for other people? (Fooge)

Dr F: Here are some Self Help Book Titles that have been banned:

“How to spot inanimate objects that come alive”

“How to avoid inanimate people that come alive”

“How to eat inanimate animals that are probably already dead”

“How to tell people they are taking up too much room on the planet”

“The Charge of the Blue Rinse Brigade.” – Learning from our elders and why they should know better”

“Buying for Baby..or.. Shop ‘til you drop’ ”

“Bedside manners …How to become a better lover without actually having sex”

“Dieting. Where ‘Thinking Thin’ is something you do before you vomit”

“Why Trinny and Susannah get paid to dress like colour blind out of work tree huggin’ social workers and still think I look like shit”

“You are what you eat. How making sounds like Jamie Oliver has nothing to do with good diet and more to do with trying to talk with a baseball mitt in your gob.”

“Technophobia. The art of not using the TV remote because you forgot your mobile.”

“How to banish an alcohol problem. Choosing the right pubs when you are on the piss.”

“How to get rid of teenage spots. Have your kid move out with the aid of a 3000psi three phase lorry steam-cleaner”

“Marriage never works. Divorce does.”

“Good day at the office? Well, do drugs there more often then.”

“Supermarkets and shopping with a snorkel.”

“Shopping and associated symptoms. How to perfect your war strategies.”

“Caring for household Pets and traffic directions to the glue factory.”

“Hairdressing. Are you going away this year? Shut the fuck up, I’m hungover.”

“Making use of bladder erections until your nob will let you take a piss.”

“Your family Tree. You can’t choose your family, but you can find ways to poison them.”

“You can’t do enough for a good Boss. That’s why it’s better to stay at home.”

“Global warming and what the experts drive to work in (the flash cunts)”



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