Dr Farquar's Case History

July 19, 2002

Dr Farquar’s General Enquiries

General Enquiries

What about motorcycle couriers carrying urine samples who swerve dramatically in front of you and then slam on their brakes. This really is taking the piss. Where’s the bottle in that? (By Fooge)

Dr Farquar comments: Wait until you stop at the traffic lights and call his attention. Spray silly string at his helmet visor. If that doesn’t work try Jeyes fluid. Usually couriers have a sign “How am I driving?” take the time to bump him into a ditch so you can tell him “Like a twat”.

What about impatient Samaritans who just tell you to ‘get a grip and fuck off’ (By Fooge)

Dr F: These solitary community volunteers are not there to offer advice or be judgemental. They are on the end of the phone purely to massage their groin.

What about those who can projectile vomit and still insist on maintaining good eye contact. (By Fooge)

Dr F: Ferry travel can cause nausea on a rough crossing. This is a true story. I went on a ferry only once. I asked a steward where we were headed and he said ‘to Zeebrugge.’ A lucky coincidence because that’s where I happened to be going. The gale blew and the portholes were seemingly filled with water and sky in ever more rapid succession. The colour drained from my face and so I went to the men’s room where my eyes met a scene from what only could be described as ‘The Battle of the Little Big Horn’ with twitching near corpses retching everywhere and Custer clinging to the towel dispenser surrounded by a group of men trying to revive him. I asked if as a Doctor I could be of assistance. One anxious drunk said “I bloody hope so….hes our busdriver!”

What about when lying in an ambulance, having been cut from the wreckage of a tube train accident, those paramedics who get into a heated argument about whose turn it is to drive. (By Fooge)

Dr F: How precious! When they use CPR slip them your tongue. If you regain consciousness tell them you are with BUPA and stick a fiver in each of their top pockets. It won’t get you to the hospital faster but you can probably stop at the Holiday Inn on the way rather than a Little Chef.

What about people who have ‘panic attacks’ because they can’t think of anything to worry about. (By Fooge)

Dr F: Nurses worry all the time. Are they able to satisfy their superiors? Are they getting enough pleasure and fulfilment out of the job? Does sexual harassment bother them and if so how can they get some? I hope the following advice for all my insecure patients and those unable to ‘grab hoggins’ will be food for thought. Here on this page you can benefit from my reassurance. In my long years as a physician I have been asked many questions about sex between couples. The more the merrier I say! This is fine but if you are bored with only four of you, what’s the harm in asking passers by to join in the fun? Sex between couples is fine as long as it’s mutual and you agree to share the electricity bill. In my experience I believe sex is a precious gift from our Creator and it would be wrong to charge your wife more than once anyway. This recipe for passion and a rewarding sex life takes into account those of us who are painfully shy and find it hard to say what we like in bed especially with our mouths full.

What about tenacious individuals who attempt to get headstones on buses? (By Fooge)

Dr F: Yes and you know who you are. But this is not as bad as old people who tell the driver that they have a touch of ‘The Inka Two-step’ so they can sit at the front of the bus. Its amazing what people with curvature of the spine will stoop to.

What about girlfriends who say they’re ‘not in the mood’ but stay up till the early hours watching ‘Sex And The City’. (by Fooge)

Dr F: How impertinent. Be more discreet. If you are too shy to ask your partner directly to partake in ‘the jousts of Venus’ just leave small ‘post its’ on strategic points all over your body and to hell with the conversation.

Suggestions:

“This way’

‘Caution toxic substances”

“Beware of the hump”

‘Not for turning’

‘Riders must dismount’

“Deep Ford”

“Keep off the hard shoulder”

“Cross bridge slowly”

“Concealed entrance.”

“No entry”

“Tunnel ahead”

“Get your ticket punched here”

“Reduce speed now”

“Do not lean your bike against this entrance”

“Rear access only”

“Yield” or “Walk now”

“Have you paid and displayed?”

And lastly, of course, ‘Trespassers will be prosecuted’

More General Enquiries

What about old people who click their fingers and hum out of tune when you’re trying to listen to your favourite music. (By Fooge)

Dr Farquar comments: There is nothing more irritating than trendy pensioners: They bimble about with their Nike airhats on at garden centre coffee shops like they own the place. ‘Hoodie’ old buggers with too much time on their hands. God knows I can see the time when the Emva Cream will be swapped for Bacardi Breezers and then where will we be? You will have gangs of them hanging around Brighton with feckin’ foxtails and wingmirrors on their Zimmers and James Last blaring in their deafaids.

What about babysitters, who seem to share a rare condition, now known, as ‘head-in-the-fridge’ syndrome. (By Fooge)

Dr F: I have sired many kids because I have a pushbike now and can do my home-visits easily. One of the little bastards came into my surgery with a squashed frog on a lead. The tot said he wanted to get even with me for running over his frog when I last visited his mother. Tears fell down his little face. Boys will be boys. He has a good heart… and now its in a jar on my desk.

What about motorists who put on their hazard lights when an obstruction appears ahead, proving how alert they are, then proceed to drive for the next hundred and fifty miles with them still flashing. (By Fooge)

Dr F: No harm done. Overtake and flag them down. Invite them to dinner. Most of us suffer small talk from these intellectual pygmies. They shatter our world of common sense with nauseous comments to do with their non-descript lives and then have the gall to wake you up.

What about day-trippers, who bring their kids to the beach with you, and encourage them to fill the back of your car with treasures to take home; Boulders, driftwood, mermaid’s purses, sacks of sand and the like, and then conveniently forget to remove these gooey articles when you get back, leaving you with shot suspension and a car that smells like Billingsgate Market. (By Fooge)

Dr F: Yes. Those people, who to all intents and purposes live on different planets, poles apart from you, yet still manage to stay in your face. Or in my case… Midwifes who mistake you for someone else resulting in you spending your formative years with the wrong parents.

What about kids who get too much homework? I’m a coalman but I hope you don’t expect me to light your fire. (By Fooge)

Dr F: Sheer purgatory isn’t it? I hate those pesky homework problems your children are set that reduce you to a feverish mess on the floor. For example: ‘If Jack counts ten white sticks for two thirds of the green buttons he bought for fifty three pence, how many cousins is he left with when his foster parents are imprisoned for neglect?’ Answer: Two ripe tomatoes.

What about my job as a taxidermist? I got sacked yesterday for having my hand in the kitty. (By Fooge)

Dr F: Stuffing animals is disgusting. If I want to see that kind of thing I’ll go on the Internet thank you very much.

What about pawnbrokers who think that just because they hang their balls outside you have to have yours on a block in the shop. (By Fooge)

Dr F: Shoplift from one and sell to another. Its not rocket science.

What about people who mistake you for Osama bin Laden and then set a small dog onto you? (By Fooge)

Dr F: I mistake my patients for each other all the time. So to save time and my embarrassment I just call ‘em all silly cunts.

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